how do I love my friends?

being the carefree friend + cultivating unconditional love within friendships | a reflection

Jul 02, 2023

reflecting on how aging has reshaped my friendships + how being free-spirited effects my friendships + exploring unconditional love with friends

surprise, surprise I’m the carefree friend

The other night, I grabbed dinner with an old friend who I haven’t seen in 3 years. We’ve known each other since we were 16 years old. Making our friendship my longest friendship. Although I feel like I haven’t always been a good friend. I’m inclined to disappear off the face of the Earth for months—or years—at a time.

I sometimes find myself too physically ill to get out of bed. The unpredictable nature of my chronic illnesses force me to frequently miss important events and cancel plans last minute. When I am feeling well, I’m often off exploring the world on my own, lost within my spiritual studies or a creative project, not realizing how much time has passed since we last spoke or saw each other.

do friendships age like wine or milk?

There’s something truly special about old friends. Together witnessing each other blossom into adults, admiring the different ways we navigate adulthood, sharing the many experiences we’ve had since our last meeting, being there for one another during the breakups + new beginnings, just simply being companions throughout this journey we call life.

I never anticipated how the elements of friendship would change so much as we grow older. How, for me, friendships function differently in each decade of adulthood.

communication

I’m very weirded out by phone calls. I find it hard to have a conversation without being able to see someone’s facial expressions, body language, being able to read their aura, allowing for moments of silence to reflect upon what was just shared. During calls, our attention is divided between the conversation + whatever we were doing before the call, privacy is encroached by whomever is within earshot. Overall I struggle with finding a sense of intimacy and undivided attention during phone calls.

I enjoy texting and can intuitively read some unsaid sentiments in text messages, but it can be awkward to probe someone when I sense that it’s not something they wish to share via text. And the big moments in life are more deserving than a text. I don’t have facebook or instagram anymore, so keeping up-to-date on life events between in-person meetups is very challenging.

With our busy schedules and growing responsibilities, communicating with friends in my 30s looks so much different than our teens or even twenties. We can’t just walk around the mall and catch up in-person on a Tuesday afternoon. We live in different states, have different lifestyles, finding the time to meaningfully respond to texts can take days. It’s very painful to falloff in communication with a friend whom you truly love and feel as though you have grown apart.

intimacy

One of the greatest rewards of friendship is exploring intimacy in its many forms: emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, intellectual intimacy, spiritual intimacy.

Intimacy is what creates depth within friendships. For someone like myself who has very fringe interests and disregard for traditional values, intimacy is very significant within my friendships because we can’t bond over how similar our lifestyles are.

I appreciate how intimacy manifests differently in each friendship. For a while, I was under the impression that my friendships with women were all supposed to have the same level of emotional intimacy, like the fictional best friends portrayed in pop culture.

However I’ve found that the combination of intimacy varies within each friendship. Sometimes it takes more time and effort to cultivate emotional intimacy. I try my best not to compare the level of emotional intimacy amongst my different friendships because they all have their own attachment styles and emotional needs.

I also feel like it’s unrealistic to expect one best friend to perfectly embody all of your intimacy needs. It’s a lot of pressure to project onto someone and inevitably it will only create conflict and disappointment. There are some friendships where it’s best that I keep the woo-woo stuff to myself, other friends who will ask for my clairvoyant insight or to explain their natal chart, friendships where we can just cuddle in bed for hours, friends who enjoy going to museums, and those who entertain my longwinded discussions of feminist theory.

vulnerability

Within my friendships, our commonalities are discovered when we strip away all the ways we’ve been forced to conform for survival. Creating space to experience true vulnerability, cry about our fears + disappointments, acknowledge that we’re not okay.

Perhaps the way I live ~~slightly~~ (who am I kidding) completely removed from tradition is what allows our reunions to become so candid, because I don’t care to be fooled by some picturesque tale about how good life has been. I’m not overly concerned about impressive career ambitions, the illusion of finding the perfect significant other, or whatever else normal people care about. In some instances, my unconventional way of life and openness about my personal struggles inspires others to step outside of whatever box they find themselves trapped in.

carefree Black girl | noun | There is no one aesthetic for how she looks. She comes in all shapes and sizes. She is incredible, committed to loving herself, being unapologetic in her existence and bringing others along on that journey. (Ruth Sutoye, 2015)

acceptance is love

I’ve been contemplating unconditional love lately and how it plays out in my interpersonal relationships—which are all very far from perfect. Cultivating intimacy within my friendships is something I take very serious. Appreciating the way intimacy is expressed between myself and others. Understanding that at my age, friendship is much deeper than just doing fun things together.

I think I’ve been framing unconditional love in friendships as something that resembles the way best friends are portrayed in works of fiction. An almost sacrificial, codependent kind-of-friendship. Doing anything for one another, a relationship that has very little boundaries, going on an adventure and passive aggressively brushing conflict under the rug for the sake of having friends.

At my age, I’ve let go of the fantasy of having a group of best girlfriends. As the carefree friend, I make friends with people who live in very different worlds. We don’t all kiki over drinks (most of my friends have never met one another).

I’m grateful to have friends who accept my shortcomings and free-spirited nature. As we grow older, I deeply value the sacred moments we share together. Meeting with someone who already knows your backstory and better understands why something is so meaningful or upsetting to you, someone who can appreciate how much growth you’ve made. Whether it’s just us sitting on the couch or catching up over a delicious meal, what I cherish are experiencing moments of true vulnerability, where we can truthfully express ourselves without feeling judged in anyway. This is how I love my friends.

It’s one of the most beautiful treasures of friendship. To find someone out in the world who accepts you for who you are, someone who doesn’t care to pass judgment about whatever has happened in your time apart, someone who will hold space for you as you try to piece your life back together. The requited acceptance that grows between friends is unconditional love.

what do you think?

how does unconditional love manifest in your friendships?

do you feel like your friendships have changed as you grow older?

keni speaks

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